Fuck it in its stupid ass. I need this stress like I need a third testicle…which I don’t.
April Fool’s Day
I hate April Fool’s Day. Basically, it’s nothing more than a “pass” for people to be asshats for a day.
While I have to commend Google on their attempts at humor, namely “8bit Google Maps” and “Chrome Multitask”, the pranks and jokes that most people play are not quite so obvious, nor are they funny.
The average person should leave “being funny/clever” to people who actually know how to be funny and clever. It only makes people hate you and want to punch you in the face.
Belly bigger than Boobs
Ok, so I’m out tonight and I see this bartender that looks like Britney Spears. I’m thinking “Nice! I’d poke that in a heartbeat!” Then, she walks out from behind the other side of the bar. From the title of this here little article, I’m guessing you know what’s next. Yep…you guessed it, she had a pot belly that stuck out further than her boobs. WTF?! Really? Honestly, I just felt like going home at that point. It took me a good 20 minutes to get over that. Sorry…that just irritated me, and I felt that I needed to share.
Rapture Nuts
Hello to the three of you that have been waiting patiently for a new post. Sorry for the long wait, I’ve been busy getting fat and complacent.
Well, this whole “End of the World” crap has got my attention now, so hold on to your good books…I’m ’bout to go biblical.
First, let me get this out: I’m not religious in any way, shape, or form. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you will have by the time you finish reading this. If you’re easily offended, you should just stop now.
I’ve spent enough time in private school as a kid and married to a “born again” nut to know that religion ain’t a place for me. Between the priests using boys to light their candles to pastors lining their pockets with cash so they can drive the newest Caddy, it’s all just a big bed of hypocracy that I have no desire being a part of.
Now, before you get your panties in a twist, I will admit that there are those religions (and the people associated with them) that actually do a lot of good for people. Hell, most people, if left to their own devices, would eat puppies and wash it down with the blood of kittens without something or someone telling them how to act. Our ancestors knew this, so they wrote a book of morality tales to give some “guidance” to the “unguided”. Every religion everywhere has their own version of this book. Whether it’s the Quran, the Torah, or the Bible, it’s there to give that religion’s followers guidelines for living their life. i’m all for it…if someone can’t think for themselves, they should have someone else smarter do it for them.
I’m not here to debate religion. Personally, I don’t care what religion you belong to. I only require that you respect my right to disbelieve as much as I respect your right to believe. You think I’m foolish for not believing in a higher power that I can’t see? Well, I think you’re foolish for not believing in aliens that abduct people and conduct anal probes…even thought there is just as much evidence for the latter. See what I did there? Just for the record, I don’t believe anal probes are the work of aliens…more likely a lame cover story for a few people’s “exploration” of their own sexuality.
Anyway, I digress… back to the topic at hand… The Rapture, more specifically, the product of convenient belief. One of the things I hate about religion is the fact that they use the “good book” to suit their own needs. Let’s take this rapture nonsense. As I mentioned before, I’m still scarred by many years in private, christian schools, and being berated by a “born again” on a daily basis, so I remember pretty well a lot of the key passages in the bible. One of those is the point where it says, and I’m paraphrasing, “No man shall know the exact day of my return”. Hmmm. Seems pretty clear to me…and I’m not even a believer. Even with my paraphrasing, I’m still 100% confident that it doesn’t say “No man shall know the exact day of my return…unless you can decode a bunch of secret shit I’ve hidden in these passages using (fuzzy) math which I think you may be able to pick up from the Greeks, in which case you will know the exact date and time of my return.” So, that said, how in the holy hell can these people assume their fearless and old leader has figured it out? Did god change his mind and say “You…yeah, the old guy with the radio show…I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to let you decipher the date of my arrival.” Puh-leeze. Sell that shit to someone who’s buying. Don’t knock on my door, don’t hand me a pamphlet. I AIN’T BUYIN’.
Ok then. Now, I do realize that if I’m wrong I got some splainin’ to do. In fact, I’m pretty sure that, if I remember my “teachings” correctly, I won’t even get a chance to make my case to the big guy…but something tells me that at 6:01pm, EST on Saturday, May 21st, I’ll be postin’ a “told you so” on this here site. That is, if I can still type after 4 or 5 pints.
Skippy, Out.
Update: I actually did write this before the “end time”, but forgot to post my “Still here fuckers” post. I guess I was having too much fun pointing and laughing at the idiots that believed it was going to happen…and I was pretty shit faced by the time it rolled around.
People who “Reply All” to company-wide announcements.
Ok, someone just got promoted. Congrats are in order…unless, of course they’re some whiny, egotistical moron, but that’s another post.
No, this post is for the idiots that “Reply All”. “Why are they idiots for wishing someone well?” you ask. Let me explain: Do you think the person on the receiving end really cares that you are happy for them? Ever thought about the fact that the email went to a whole bunch of people who DIDN’T get promotions or raises? Chances are, that even if they did get a promotion, they’re actually pissed that the “promotion” was really just a title change, and instead of more $$, they got a healthy increase in responsibility and workload.
Effectively, the “Reply All” moron has accomplished one, or more, of the following:
- They’ve demonstrated to the whole company that they’re too dumb to know the difference between “Reply” and “Reply All”
- They’ve demonstrated to the whole company that they’re an ass kisser that just wants everyone to see how much of a “team player” they are.
- They’ve now further reminded the non-promoted population that they are a complete failure and were un-worthy of any congratulations or promotions of any sort.
Nice work. No matter how you look at it, you’ve just pissed off the majority of the company and earned the “Asshat” title that you will now wear until the next moron comes along and beats you to the “Reply All” button.
Selling on eBay
I really hate selling stuff on eBay. Don’t get me wrong, I like the extra cash that it brings in but the whole process just annoys me. Ok, maybe it’s not the process. It’s the people.
An item is listed for 7 days, with a low starting price. Over the 7 days it gets 1 or 2 bids but has 50 people watching it. Up to the last day I’m thinking that it’s not gonna meet reserve or not sell for the price I’d prefer to get for it… but then the last hour or so there’s a flurry of bids and it winds up selling. People don’t seem to understand that they can just bid the max they want to spend and it will automatically bid for them if somebody else bids it up. So either they’ll win it or their bid won’t be high enough and they’ll lose. But it would make sellers like me much happier to know that my stuff is gonna sell.
Ok, I understand that everybody wants to get a bargain and will wait for the last minute to try to “snipe” the bids but it’s really frustrating as a seller.
My mother-in-law is an idiot
My mother-in-law is a total fucking idiot.
There are probably 500 different things that I would write about to make you understand this, but the one thing that’s irking me today is her use of Skype. She uses it to talk to her grandkids. I’ve tried to explain to her that the microphone on the computer is sensitive so she doesn’t have to scream but she does anyway.
The entire conversation goes like this:
OH! I SEE YOU! DO YOU SEE ME? OH! I SEE YOU! I SEE YOU! HI! HI! HI! OH! I SEE YOU! DO YOU SEE ME? DO YOU SEE ME? I SEE YOU!
This goes on for 10 minutes. Screaming at the top of her lungs of course. And when one of her grandkids tries to say something she can’t hear them because she’s screaming about how she can see them, so then it turns into:
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? DID YOU SAY YOU CAN SEE ME? I SEE YOU! OH! OH! OH! I SEE YOU! WHAT DID YOU SAY? I SEE YOU! I SEE YOU!
What a fucking dolt.
British Airways
Now let me preface this by saying I’m a pretty “prepared” guy, and thus, don’t do anything without a plan. So, that being said, I get on a plane and fly to the UK for a business trip. I packed a carry on with some VERY casual clothes (in case I needed to change on the plane) and my suitcase filled with my toiletries and “work clothes”.
Well, take a guess what happened. I get to the UK and it seems British Airways decided to keep my baggage in Newark for some reason. Anyway, I get it, baggage gets mishandled sometimes. No big deal. Put it on another plane and send it out right? I file a claim at the Heathrow customer service desk. ”Oh, you should see it in the morning…” they tell me. Ok, not happy, but I can deal with that. Hey, at least I have some clothes to change into.
As Monday morning rolls along, I don’t hear anything, so I call. ”Oh, we’re expecting it on the flight that’s arriving right now, but we need some time to sort it out, and we will get back to you as soon as we have some information” I’m told. Ok, fair enough. Then, about 11am local time, I get a phone call. ”Mr. Skippy, I’m sorry to inform you that the baggage you are waiting for was not on the flight and was held in Newark, and we’re waiting on an arrival time for the next flight” he says in his proper English accent. ”Huh?! How did it miss the SECOND flight?!?!” I query in my properly annoyed American accent. ”Well, we don’t know…just that it was held” he replies. Taking a deep breath, I ask “So, from what I gather, this has not even left NJ on a third flight yet?”. He pauses for a second, then says “No, it hasn’t…but we will let you know as soon as we have any status.” ”So, there is literally no chance I will see this today at this point?” I ask calmly. ”Well, it’s at least 6-7 hours flight time to get here, so even if it left now, it will be tonight before it arrives” he explains.
I then proceeded to explain yet again that I am leaving the UK for Amsterdam tomorrow afternoon. The best he can give me is that they hope it will be on the next flight.
So, I have a couple of questions: British Airways is a pretty big airline. No, it’s DAMN big. Why the hell can’t they find a flight out of NJ to ANYWHERE that has connecting service? How do you miss TWO different flights…especially when they had AT LEAST 8 hours notice on the second one?
Now, I get to go to work wearing jeans and a Nike workout shirt. Thanks British Airways, you’ve not only made my trip to the UK, you’ve made me look unprofessional at the office.
Mini-Bus Moms
You know the ones. Those mom’s that are about five feet tall, yet the drive the “civilian” version of a mini-bus: a Tahoe, Suburban, ANY mini-van, etc. Except, in this case, the “special needs person” is the one doing the driving.
For some reason, putting these women behind the wheel of one of these things drops their IQ to that of your average Cocker Spaniel. They not only forget to stop at “STOP” signs, they seem to forget that they are not the only people on the road. Maybe it’s the cell phone radiation that’s causing them to go full-retard since they seem to have it glued to the side of their head the whole time they’re behind the wheel.
Message to the E-Bus Drivers: Pay attention to the road. Just because you are driving the non-commercial equivalent of a Greyhound bus, does not give you right of way. Yeah,sure, you’re family might be safe. However, those of us not driving somethings that weighs several tons are going to spend some time in a hospital if you do hit us because you were too busy wiping up the chocolate milk your kid just spilled all over his Nintendo DSi. Oh yeah, and PUT THE FUCKING CELL PHONE DOWN.
Don’t get me wrong, I do respect the fact that you can watch Oprah and vacuum the floor, all while washing clothes and keeping little Jimmy from peeing in the corner. I really do. Sometimes though, multi-tasking is NOT good.
Skippy out.
Baby Momma and Baby Daddy
It’s bad enough people have started using these stupid terms that started on Jerry Springer. But now the media is using them too.
My local newspaper recently had an article about Sarah Palin’s daughter and her future husband. The first line of the article said “Bristol Palin says her mom, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, “doesn’t even really approve” of Bristol’s surprise re-engagement last week with her once-estranged baby-daddy, Levi Johnston.”
“Baby-daddy”? Really? In a newspaper? That’s fucking retarted. Is the author of this article some 15 year old girl or a journalist? Well, I guess I kind of answered my own question.
